Why are cowboys uncircumcised? So they have a place to put their chewing tobacco when they eat.

Hillary will give her concession speech… Since somebody paid her $250,000 speaking fee.

I asked my grandfather for sex advice. He said, “Slow down, you’re going too fast.”

Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench… …when an 11 year old walks by. One turns to the other and says, “I bet he was pretty hot back in the day.”

How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they’ll just keep complimenting it and get mad when it doesn’t want to screw.

Where can you go to send a soul to heaven? An abortion clinic.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

4:*calls thing wrong name Me:*corrects him 4:*repeats wrong name Me:*corrects him 4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…” Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.” Murderer: “K.”

Foreplay in an elevator… Taking going down, to a whole new level I’m bad i know…