The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic? Half way.

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces? boeing boeing boeing

What do you call a homeless orphan? Depressing

A pedophile, a rapist, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar… He orders a drink.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through that thing?”

I’m scared that the mob is looking for me I’ve been getting a lot of emails from Don Otreply about bill payments.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.