A fish swam into a wall… Dam.

If it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then you gotta ask yourself Why the fuck is there a duck in my room?

Q: What can a goose do a duck can’t and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Having sex with children is fucking tight.

The problem with cuddling in bed with your true love is that iPhones don’t cuddle back.

You know you are successful when … Girls from school who ignored you on facebook back in the day all of a sudden want to add you on linkedin.

This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought “Wow, that could have been me!” But I can’t drive a bus.

Think About It… What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

Did you hear about the suicidal comedian? He fell flat.