Two elderly men are lounging on the porch of the Socialist Nudist Club, and one says to the other…. “Say old chap, have you read Marx?” “Why yes. It’s these bloody wicker chairs!”

Fuck you, Mike’s. It’s not “Lemonade for Grownups,” it’s Beer for Babies.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

[overhears guy saying economy is bad] [later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad

Writing a personal ad. So far I have: Has all own teeth

“I like every kind of music except country” -teens who are into hip-hop, classical, barbershop quartets, celtic music, big band, and chants.

*stares into wormhole* Whoa man, cool. *gets slapped by worm* Pervert! *worm wiggles away*

What do you call a funny jar of sauce Lmayo

What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaains

Why is the founder of Comcast going to purgatory? He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter said was, “Please hold. Your soul is very important to us.”