“Every cloud has a silver lining.” – Terribly inaccurate meteorologist

What do you calla person that inherits a lot of money? A millionheir.

four years ago I asked out the woman of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me!!! She said no both times.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift” *digs in purse “Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring” *removes keys

want to hear a NBA joke? Kyrie Irving starting in the all star game

Whats Hitlers least favourite pokemon? Pikajew!

A pig, trying to save its life. After seeing a grill in the garden, the pig started to bark at strangers!

So a horse walks into a bar… The bartender says, “Why the long face?” The horse responds, “They wouldn’t renew Sex and the City for another season.”

I told my wife my secret to losing 50 pounds in 1 minute. I buy everyone a round at the pub.

Why won’t Derek Zoolander vote for Hillary Clinton? Because he can’t turn left.