How does a feminist know she’s overweight? She doesn’t

What the hell is almond milk? Almonds don’t have titties

[commercial for tupperware] Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now? – Tupperware

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s Him: pancakes

Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail? He was caught fingering A Minor.

How do you get a fly out of the kitchen? Shit in the living room

“Donald says he wants to run for President and move on into the White House… …why not; it wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home” -Snoop Dogg

The local cemetery has been really popular lately People are dying to get in.

My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there. 3: That’s because I flushed.