“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

A trooper asks a sergeant: – Is it true that man descended from a monkey? – Yes troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.

What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley

I have a love-hate relationship with my wife… I love her, she hates me! Ho-ho!

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone. You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers one is biting hers one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring YOU SICK-O!

Life is like a Penis It’s simple, relaxed and hanging free most of the time. It’s women who make it hard.

I recently had an interview with Sony I didn’t get the job because I was underqualified.

What’s the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a future…