What do funeral home staff do if they mess up transporting a body? They go back and re-herse.

I love my cats so much, I love that I get to have these two tiny killing machines cuddled up in bed with me

I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.

I have been taking notes So if you are missing notes, I probably have them

What is the difference between Rihanna and a coconut? One is black and hairy and the other is a coconut

I was asked who my favorite x-men was. I guess Caitlyn Jenner wasn’t a good answer

Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning… And some times I just let her sleep in.

I’m not Catholic, but I’ve given up picking my belly button for lint.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

A console gamer walks into a bar… …only to buy a free drink for 60$ To anyone wondering this joke is not made by me but i just had to share it. Credit goes to /u/Unbiased_Bob