Wouldn’t it be great if Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber hooked up… to one of Dr. Kevorkian’s machines?

How do you make sure you have the best space party for your kid? You planet early.

Kanye and Kim name their first child North West… ….in hopes that it will one day be the lead singer for One Direction

I didn’t have to shower alone today….. Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line wooden tit.

Why don’t mathematicians ever get blackout drunk? They know their limits.

I hate to toot my own horn, but: [sad trombone].

Instead of “the John” I decided to start calling my bathroom “the Jim” I needed to workout more. Now first thing in the morning I always go to the Jim!

Was Billy Idol? No, he was moving at the time.

Doctor: I have some bad news. You HAVE to stop masturbating. Man: OMG Doc, WHY? Doctor: I’m trying to examine you.