I bought some pot from a T-Rex … … he was a small arms dealer.

If I was a transformer, I would turn into Megan Fox’s vibrator

There are certain professions where having experience doesnt account for anything like being a suicide bomber

Dear investors, I’d like to make a chap stick called “food court Chinese food.” Please snapchat if interested.

“Look guide here are some LION tracks.” “Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

If you are anti-abortion… Are you pro youth-in-asia?

Why doesn’t Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk? Disney spells.

Arrested Development is cool, but when is Netflix gonna bring back my Grampa?