Why are poodles suspicious of strangers? Because they’re afraid of running into a poodaphile.

So I was nailing my girl from behind … After we were done she turns to me and says. “my friends tell me you are a pedophile.” To which I reply “That is an awfully big word for a 10 year old”

I think my girlfriend is starting to gain weight. She’s starting to fit into my wife’s clothes.

I have a step ladder I never knew my real ladder…but I heard great things about him, like he supported 3 people at one time… last I heard he was In a 12 step program

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

My friends think my cat is loyal and selective with his affection, but the truth is that I don’t have any friends.

*unexpected snow fall* Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!” Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

The United States of America Yeah, That’s it.

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“I’ve turned over a new leaf” ~ me explaining to the nissan salesman that I had an accident on the test drive