there’s a pile of shoes by the door and you’re looking for the pair that will be the quietest for when you leave

What gets whiter as it gets dirtier? Michael Jackson!

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Some guy told me he could get 10 times as many women as I do Joke’s on him, 10 times zero is still zero.

This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I’m invading its privacy.

*Rides off into sunset* *forgets mobile* *Rides back*

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows? They’ve really been making headlines. -courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

Why can nobody understand sausages when they talk??? Because they speak in tongs. I’ll show myself the door

What did the bartender say to the horse? bartender: Why the long face? Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family.