My girlfriends nervous about giving birth. I said don’t worry, women have been doing it for over 100,000 years.. .. Or in the case of Republicans, women have been doing it for 6,000 years or less

[Dollar Store Interview] “What are your qualifications?” [Slides over a dollar] “Cashier job is yours” [Slides $2] “Welcome to Management”

Why did the male ghost get scared after the female ghost said “boo”? The male ghost wasn’t ready for a committed relationship.

Which insect didn’t play well in goal ? The fumble bee !

What do you call a dog who likes to eat at subway? A sub-woofer!!

Where do you find a one legged cow? Where ever you left it.

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don’t let Mike Tyson bite.

It was Christmastime, and everybody was feeling Merry. So she went home.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.