[at work] CW: Hey, I found your Twi… Me: *jumps out window* CW: …Twinkies.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Turns out I got Lazik surgery by mistake so now I have two lazy eyes.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived? *America.*

What do you do with an epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad

Politics is like a car you press “D” to go forward and “R” to go back

Why don’t the French have fireworks on Bastille day? because they would all surrender.

Boss: “late again I see” Brain: think of a good excuse! Mouth: “your moms late.” Brain: wow….

what’s the worst part about being a pedophile? trying to fit in.

Q: What did the blind German say? A: I can Nazi you!