My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn’t know the song “Get Off the Stage or Die.” Elvis, maybe?

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster* *takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

What washes up on small beaches? Microwaves!

KFC came out with the Obama Bucket.. Its all left wings, and chicken shits.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

I was pooping in a bathroom with no windows when the there was a power outage. When I had to wipe my butt I couldn’t see shit.

Interviewer asked me why I’d make a good waiter? Me: You could say I…bring a lot to the table.

What do you call a deer… without eyes? No eye deer. without eyes or legs? Still no eye deer. without eyes, legs, or genitalia? Still no fucking eye deer.

My friend got attacked by a bear recently It was really grizzly.