I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, “Oi, what’s your disability?” I said, “Tourettes! Now fuck off you c*nt!”

Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill really pisses me off. Now its only worth 2 more then a $10 bill…

I’m sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

I like my women how I like my cheese… …blue, filled with holes, and wrapped in plastic in my fridge.

What do you call Charlie Sheen in a wheelchair? ROLAIDS

Accountants are very clever opponents. They are used to being underestimated.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Job interview tip: Tell them you’re not an applicant, you’re an appliCAN. Lick your finger, hold it against buttock. Make sizzling noise.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

What do you call s’mores in Spanish? S’mas