Two reasons i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone 1)I don’t have an iPhone 2)I don’t have a girlfriend.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

yesterday i bought stamps & mailed something just like our ancestors the dinosaurs!

What is it called when a thief steals a purse, runs into the street, then gets run over? *Car*ma

I see London, I see France! (I’m looking at Google maps)

Women are like pickup trucks. Men with poor taste usually want to add a lift kit.

How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.

Families are like onions…. Watching them be cut into small pieces will make you cry.

It’s SO ADORABLE when my kid’s fish sleeps upside down. Because that’s what it’s doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco.

That guy is so poor… … that he has to fuck his own wife.