*bursts into starbucks* Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET Barista: yeah over there Me: oh thank god *plugs in a mechanical bull*

A toast! Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I’m black toast intolerant.

If you don’t have anything nice to say come sit closer to me and let’s talk about everyone

The only requirement to work at Hot Topic is the manager has to be able to shove a softball through your ear gauges.

It’s not that I’m a bad boyfriend. I’m just a horrible person.

Hey girl, are you a fire alarm? Cause you’re fucking annoying.

I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.

Pots and pans set: $70. Wrapping paper: $5. Tape: $3. Watching your mother unbox and attempt to wrap said pots and pans: priceless.

Q: When does a bed grow longer? A: At night, because two feet are added to it.

Why didn’t blacks in 1850 give high-fives? Because everyone always left them hanging!