Why dont arabs have drivers and sex ed on the same day The camels would get to tired

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Today I don’t feel like doing anything. Except you

How many kids with ADSD does it take to change a lightbulb? “Lets go ride our bikes!”

What’s the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles.

world’s funniest joke: Liverpool FC winning the barclays premier league

I’m shit at remembering names. But isn’t every Tom, Rick, and Larry

What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas? AIDS

Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.

I’m going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*