Q: Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

Hillary and Bernie walk into a bar… Hillary says that she shouldn’t buy the drinks because she is Hillary. Bernie says that the drinks should be free for everyone. America dies.

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

You know what West Virginians say about dating, don’t you? The closer the kin, the better the skin.

What did the black kid get on his SAT’s? Barbeque sauce.

What’s the difference between an Isis camp and an orphanage? I don’t know, I just fly the drone

Why are there no Russian strippers? Cuz they tried to kill all the Poles

What’s an owl’s favorite rock band? Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.

I’ve successfully made a time machine Thank you kind stranger for giving me gold