Sorry I broke your arm when your reached for that last slice of pizza. -Flirting is hard.

I’ve fallen in love with my tailor. What can I say, he suits me

I joke a lot about how horrible my wife and kid are, but in reality you should know that it’s not funny at all and it really sucks for me.

What does an astronaut do when he gets angry? He blasts off:

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions.. she walks in and says “How do I get to 280?” A man steps out of line and replies “I guess diet and exercise didn’t work!”

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

87.53% of statistics are false Title

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.