Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

The Puzzle – I beat a record. – Oh , what? – I managed to do a puzzle in 15 days on which he had written ” from 3 to 5 years.”

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They’re doing research on black holes.

A Doctor and patient Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine”.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.” 29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I bought a 32ft ruler. For extreme measures.

I am never more aware that I don’t have boobs than when I’m paying for my own drink.

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!

I tried out for the part of Jesus in my school play…. I think I nailed it

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop. There, you happy?