My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.

How do you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the shit out of it!

Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We’re a cover band.

What did zero say to eight? Nice belt!

A senior partner with a herniated disc limps into a conference room Coworker 1: “I feel like the world’s moving in slow motion” (pause) Coworker 1: “Oh wait, it’s just Charlie” (motions at partner)

Where would Martin Luther King Jr. be right now if he was white? Alive

How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar? He shreds.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart They probably have never seen any of his paintings.