Maybe we got it wrong and God just wanted to play doctor for a day: ‘Here Moses, take these two tablets and call me in the morning’

you think there’d be a word for ‘sleeping bag’ that isn’t a placeholder description of what it is

Q: Why did the ghoul knit herself three socks? A: Because she grew another foot.

What did Stevie Wonder say when he found out he was blind…? “At least I’m not black”

I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.

Q: How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day? … … A: He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.

What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off ? Ban-she ban-she !

What has a bottom at the top? legs

What do women and hand grenades have in common? When you pull the ring off, your house goes away

What do a Boston Marathon runner and Hitler have in common? Neither can finish a race.