Mum thinks she’s Dad. **Dad:** Honey, where oh where is a pair of my underwear? **Mum:** Your underwear is under there. **Dad:** Under where? **Mum:** Yes.

Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier. *shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.

My art teacher told me to draw a Tardis I think im going to fail since I just drew police box.

I think I might be a nihilist… not that it matters…

I come from a long line of people with convenient principles *helps an old lady cross the street because a girl is watching*

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’ Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’ ‘Who?’ Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn’t pay $39 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Why don’t witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on the broom!…haha

Jesus was nailed to the cross. He said “Peter, come forth”. Peter walks up, Jesus waves his hand and he is healed. Next he says “Mary, come forth” But Mary came fifth and won a toaster.