How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Not to brag but I have approximately 5000 compact discs I haven’t listened to since 2003 that are preventing me from moving on with my life.

There’s a difference between racism and fact… Niggers are stinky – fact

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for… Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] “ok”

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila

What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAINS

* feels winds of change * realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

What’s the similarity between Bill Cosby and Santa have in common? They both come when you’re asleep.