Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today… I told them its the last thing I need.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

A guy goes to the doctor… He says, “Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye.” The doctor asks, “Did you take out the spoon?”

A Nun, a Priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar… The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Helen Keller walks into a bar… And then a table… And then some chairs… And then a plate Glass window…

Son: can I get lunch money Dad: I have a boyfriend

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine? A: Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.

I have a Pakistani girl friend. Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn’t sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops.

Instead of yet another love song, someone should write a song about wanting to be left alone for fifteen minutes.