A dentist recently had to pull some teeth The pain was bad enough, but when they told me I would have to drink directly from the glass for a whole day, that was the last straw.

When I see lovers’ names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s sweet, I think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

“Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?” “It will definitely feel longer. “

Lebron’s life is like one big compass… He went South, His hairline went North, his dad went East and his mom went Delonte West.

What do you call a gay guy paralyzed from the neck down? A Tomato (because he’s both a fruit AND a vegetable)

Got pretty embarrassed at the party last night. Totally looked like I peed my pants ‘cuz I spilled my glass of pee into my lap

What does a storm cloud have on beneath its clothes? Thunderwear!

music joke As the Cellist in our string quartet, i can’t help but feel the other musicians are looking down on me. sorry about that, i will just be getting my coat.

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear*

What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.