I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

I’m currently stuck behind traffic lights. Fuck you Roxanne.

If you see a swarm of jellyfish, DO NOT enter the ocean. It’s a no-brainer.

That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me. It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do you all want a beer?” The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes.”

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? It doesn’t matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is. Me: “If you tell me, i’ll give you some alcohol for free” Friend: “Alright then, hand some jack”

Advice from an old native American hunter: Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.

Apparently I have a black person in my family tree… If you look in my backyard he’s still hanging there!

I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.