According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Why are government buildings alike all around the world? free masonry.

They should make a reality TV show called, “Jersey Shore meets Shark Week”

How do you get three popes into a Volkswagen? You take off their hats

Clear before beer, and your clear to steer… into other cars or near by pedestrians killing them and or yourself so don’t fucking drink and drive you fucking moron!

Are there any prostitutes you can hire just to talk to you??? Apparently they are called therapist.

What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding? A tourist.

If you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!

Knock, Knock…

What do you call a cat that claims it’s a lion crossed with a cougar? A liar.