My kids don’t believe that before video games, we used to have to go out and buy a hedgehog, paint it blue, then give it cocaine.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It’s $100 on me and $500 on her.

Did you know Achilles was a runway model? He was fired because of his walk. He had a problem with heels.

Genie: You have 3 wishes. I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends. Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you? Walter: It’s on the house.

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles* Him: What’s funny? Me: Nothing. Him: *presses button, explodes, dies* Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

The cucumbers are taking over my garden and trying to starve all the other vegetables out. It’s a war of nutrition.

Why don’t French people smile in pictures? The French word for “cheese” is “fromage”.