How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just watch it burn out and follow it around for 30 years.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye matey!”

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Studies show… Studies show that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome. “But what if it’s TOO much awesome?” GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.

A city child came running into the farmhouse. “No wonder that mama pig is so big” she yelled. “There’s a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!”

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? Going to hell.

Starting with the word “why” and always pressing the middle option, what joke is your predictive text trying to tell us all?

One time, I considered becoming a gynecologist… …but then I heard I’d be dealing with twats every day.