My negotiating strategy is to make a skeptical face for one second then pay what the other person asked.

Why do black people have white palms? There is little bit of good in all of us. p.s. not racist, my shadow is black.

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.” “What’s that Sarge?” “Someone’s building a pig.”

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

The sunrise is beautiful and all but i wouldn’t get out of bed for it

How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

What do you call an epileptic puppy? Kibbles ‘n Fits.

Nothing says ‘neighbours’ quite like stealing each others WiFi

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.