6-year-old: Spill me some milk. Me: You mean “pour.” 6: Not the way you do it.

Which dessert did Darth Vader order in the Mexican restaurant? Helado oscuro!

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their parents? Roommates

Who won the 1940 Tour De France? The 7th Panzer division

Did you hear about the guy who got a Viagra stuck in his throat? He had a stiff neck for a week.

What do you call a mentally challenged feather pillow? A downs pillow.

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel… …but I’m not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

Thanks for the heart attack, Chinese menu under the door while I’m watching a scary movie.

I just heard that someone at my gym drilled a hole in the wall of the girls locker room. Police are looking into it.

I’ve been all over the web looking for a combination fly swatter/back scratcher. I’m tired of lugging both around all day.