How is Kim Kardashian’s ass like a password-protected compressed file? They both have their own zip code

Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

I was yelled at after church today, Apparently “Jeez and crackers” is not an appropriate name for the Eucharist.

Superman’s Google searches: “Strongest hero” “Strongest hero. Not Hulk” “Fastest hero” “Fastest hero. Not Flash” “Phone booth for sale”

Why do blacks keep on getting stronger? TVs are getting heavier.

A guy walks into a bar. .. He’s in critical condition.

ufo crew: why are we hovering? ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs ufo crew: why not land? ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Do you know why one side of the V Is slightly larger when birds fly together? Because there are more birds on that side.

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch? Names.

“Alright man let’s crack open a few cold ones, it’s going to be a fun night” Said one necrophiliac to another as they walked into the morgue