Husband says to his wife “do you smell that” wife says “no?” Husband says “me neither so start cooking”

Monster: Where do fleas go in winter? Werewolf: Search me!

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

What sound does a banambulance make? Naner naner naner

did you hear Oxygen and Magnesium got together **OMg** All I knew, till last week Oxygen was dating Potassium But they said it was just **OK**

What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant? Hell-if-i-know (my grandma’s favorite joke)

I can’t make Casey Anthony jokes. My mom would kill me…

Why can’t Abraham Lincoln be convicted for murder? Because he’s in a cent.

Some people say Ketamine is just for animals… They need to get off their high horses.

What is a pirate’s favorite element in the periodic table? Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?