Sucks how Caesar died… …Who knew he was allergic to knives?!

I killed someone with kindness today. Blood EVERYWHERE.

I picked up a girl at a bar. She told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt… So I screwed her three times and hit her with a brick.

Why is the letter “t” so important to a stick insect? Without it would be a sick insect.

“COME ON! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE HOURS AGO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN’T SHOWERED?” Noah yelled, waiting for the sloths to get on the Ark

Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread.. They’re naan-profit organizations.

In park people come across man playing chess with dog They are of surprise and say “What clever dog!” But man say: “No, no, he isn’t so clever. I am lead by three game to one!”

I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night When I thought.. “Hang on a fuckin’ minute”

“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.” —-people in wheelchairs probably

What do you say to a man with no body and no nose? No body nose.