What do you call a rabbit roaming with a pack of lions? One bad ass rabbit.

Wife: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS? Husband: ? *Wife storms out room* Husband: Happy Valsenbirthery?!

What does a blonde owl say? Why!

What is a terrorists favourite dessert? Ice is

Q: What’s blue and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket in disguise.

I always make sure to buy high quality toilet paper… If you get the cheap stuff, you’ll pay for it in the end.

I was so close to a threesome last night… I was only missing 2 people

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating? If she’s only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, a feather off a hawk and the blood of a unicorn.

Microwaves don’t need to give warning beeps after cooking the food – the last thing I’m going to do is forget I just made pizza rolls.