I’m half-French and half-American, but I know my heart is American, do you know why? Because if it were French it would stop working!

Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”

There was an infantry man that rode horses for over 50 years. What was his name? Major Bumsore

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean. It said, “Please refill and return to sender.” Now I wait.

My girlfriend is like my bank account Only there for the money

Arnold Schwarzenegger and windows 10 Just after windows 10 was released, Arnold was asked if he was ever going to upgrade to windows 10. His response? ‘I still love Vista, baby.’

small joke truth or dare dare order us pizza

Why did the blind man cross the road? Cuz he couldn’t see it (Probly already posted but I’ve never seen it on r/jokes before)

Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn’t follow me around for a week.

/r/jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award! for 95.001% recycled content.