They found horse meat in food in the U.K. … … and horse piss in the beer in the U.S.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

I met a pirate the other day, whose parrot was saying, “Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!” I said, “Shouldn’t that be pieces of eight?” The pirate replied, “Arrrrr, it’s a parroty error.”

How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bear minimum

I used to play teeball… I stopped playing after I struck out

Oral sex makes your day but… Anal makes your whole week

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

At least my mother died doing what she loved… Committing suicide

I heard that the factories in China will be close until the next GOP president. A liberal joke

Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.