Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

broken leg I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said to quit going to those places.

Did some1 really think naming a restaurant Pizza HUT was a good idea? “We want a name that communicates quality food & 3rd world housing!”

How many Jews can you fit in a car? Depends how big the ash tray is.

What did the old zombie dog say when she got a birthday bone? *My hip!*

I will punch you in the face. OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

*turns on deep-fryer* *tosses in chicken nuggets* *adds chamomile and lavender* *recites from the Book of Shadows* Voila, Wiccan Nuggets

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

What is green and white, throws pig skin, and is the worst team in the NFL? The Jets.

So a man comes into a bar… No, wait… It was a horse. So a horse comes into a man.