I’m going to bed tonight at a reasonable hour so I can be extremely obnoxious at an unreasonable hour tomorrow.

What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear

Well ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.

I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Sharks don’t sleep so I’m pretending I’m a shark except one that sings along with Lady Gaga. I’m Lady Sharkshark! Anyway, totally drunk.

What are parents that you can see through? Transparents

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Di you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel peace prize? He was outstanding in his field

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopuss