*grandma sobbing at my graduation* “Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.” *wipes tear* “But they didn’t want to come.”

Instead of murder/suicide, I’m contemplating the rare suicide/murder, whereby I jump out a high window and land on my girlfriend.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer. Him:*laughs nervously* Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Why Latvian man did cross road? Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.

What does a feminist use as a contraceptive? Her personality

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

What do you call an NBA Superstar who’s first job was stocking milk? *Legen-dairy*

Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016? Those on Team Great Britain, because they’ll leave.

I can’t believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in.