Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Me: “OH NO THIS COP HAS AMNESIA!!!”

What’s a priest on an egg called? A brother

Too many kids don’t know what it’s like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).

ME: my son ran away COP: we won’t rest until we find him ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Sex is like Pizza I haven’t had any in a while.

Just a reminder not to wear white after Labor Day and not to be black around cops.

What do I do when my luggage gets tired? I rest my case.

What’s Bill Clinton’s favorite instrument to play? His whore Monica.

Why do canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game

A man walks into an Apple store… ..and lets out a huge fart. Within seconds, everyone in the entire store leaves. Why? — Because there are no Windows