Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don’t just text back k. Husband: Que

*sees a spider* I’m going to kill him *turn around to get a shoe* *turns back around and spider has 8 shoes* Alright, let’s be cool here

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer. Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I’m b-b-b-black.

Justin Bieber is still truly Canadian at heart… His most popular song is called “Sorry”.

[laser tag] Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable ? The wheelchair

Martin Shkreli’s life

Why are gold fish orange ? The water makes them rusty !

“The actor who plays the villain in No Country For old Men was causing trouble in my bar last night.” “Javier Bardem?” “No, but I will if he does it again.”