Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

What is the one thing you don’t want to hear during sex? Honey, I’m home!

My dog got hit by a train today & we found out my brother didn’t make parole. Talk about a case of the Mondays!!

Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country… …then goes and enters another country through the back door? Very mixed messages from Russia.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey

Cop: do you know why I was following you? Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me? Cop:haha Me:haha Cop… Me… Is it cause of the drugs?

I was walking my dog when a man approached me. He said, “My car’s just broken down. Could you give me a push?” “Of course,” I said. Then he fell into the bush.

Why does Thor have insomnia? He’s up all night to get Loki.