How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs? There are poodles everywhere!

Marriage is a three ring circus… Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer-ring

Yesterday, I lost a wedding cake.. ..but today, I fondant.

why did Hitler eat a lot of fish sticks? because he thought they were not seafood

A man was molested by an Alien… …when asked by a local reporter if he had any comment he said, “It was out of this world.”

I told my math teacher I was freezing cold and he told me to go stand in the corner of the classroom. Because it was 90 degrees.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar. How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Kim Jong-un read War and Peace in a day. At least I think that’s why they call him Supreme Reader.

“I just heard that that one actress from Legally Blonde, Reese… ‘whatever her last name is’ got stabbed to death walking to her car last night.” “Witherspoon?” “No, with a knife.”

What’s the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it’ll rip your fucking face off.