[does his regular grocery shopping] Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party? Me: ……………….yes.

Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle? In case of any night mares!

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in, Robin.

Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.

Just bought Cluedo: Gang Rape edition. Turns out they all did it.

I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in. Casualties have been immense… & delicious

EA cut so many corners with the Sims 4 that they made a circle.

What do you call an ant sized villain? The *ant*agonist.

I just bought shoes from a drug dealer… … I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

My new girlfriend just found out that I’m 42. She said, “You told me that you were 28 and a half!” I said, “I am if you think about it.”