I don’t like my new hair cut… But it’s growing on me.

My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I’m saying is, “welcome to idiom club”. Now, let’s cut to the chase.

I was invited to a party… The dress code said “black tie only”. But when I got there, I noticed other people had worn shirts and trousers too

Facebook has really revolutionized how quickly we find out friends from high school gave up on their dreams.

I want to be a “cool” uncle, so I let my nephew play with all the things I wasn’t allowed to when I was his age. Mostly knives and bleach.

What do you call an atheist bone? A blasfemur.

me: siri tell me a joke siri: *turns on front facing camera*

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys.. Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

How do you keep someone in suspense? I’ll tell you later.

You know youre getting old when Santa starts looking younger.