Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Farting in an elevator is…. WRONG…..on so many levels…..

“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

Twice the cold doth striketh A dog, a ski cabin, and a leather jacket walk into the electric cloud being and merge into the one true demongod.

Two deer walk out of a bar. One turns to the other in disgust and says, “I can’t believe you blew 20 bucks in there.”

Riddle: What has wings but can’t fly, legs but can’t walk, and a mouth but can’t speak? A dead bird

How do mermaids give birth? Via Sea-Section

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

And the bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” A tachyon walks into a bar.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.” “Do you want to go see the doctor?” “Yeah.” “Are you gonna throw up?” “Maybe.” “OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”